20 Dec

These past almost 20 hours have been very hard. I’ve contemplated not sharing this, but even though it’s all the smiles, there are rough times. The boys were in a fight with some bad kids/men, who knows who/how it started, but it really doesn’t matter at this point, bad decisions were made. I spent the night in the ER with one of them and his facial bones were broken and required a lot of stitches. Apparently, the other guys had brass knuckles. 

Don’t get me started-I’ve vented about this. I’ve cried. I’ve gotten angry. I’ve questioned myself. But motherhood is hard. Setting rules and boundaries is hard. Explaining to children why adults make rules and give advice is because we love them and don’t want them ever to feel pain physically or mentally. But when kids don’t listen, there are consequences.

A broken face for one and my son maybe a sprained finger. I’ve had to be tough and loving at the same time. I’ve had to dive into a dark place thinking about how much worse this could have been. 

Being responsible for my own children is second nature. Taking care of and being responsible for a child who didn’t grow up with my rules is so much harder. I don’t have control over their free will and their decisions at the end of the day. 

What I do have control over is my sobriety. A few times, I thought about how I’d love to be one of those women who can just have a glass of wine and unwind. Or maybe take a shot and just fall into bed and forget any of this happened. I can’t. 

I have faced many truths in these past few years and these past 20 hours have shown me how important my sobriety is. Dealing with the doctors and nurses in the middle of the night, half awake, during extenuating circumstances would have been impossible if I had drank all night.

Having a serious mom talk with all the kids hungover explaining my true feelings and potential future problems and what the solution is while being loving and understanding would have been impossible. It 𝘸𝘢𝘴 hard though, frankly I’m pissed and worried at the same time, but I responded rationally rather then reacting while unstable.

I’m sad and hurt this happened. Humanity, teenage logic, their response to the situation. It’s a lot and the young man living with us, is doing surprisingly well. I hope they listened and will learn from this.

I always congratulate myself when I’ve done a big girl thing, because we, even as adults, need to recognize growth. No matter what your situation is, addiction or mental instability, or just a shitty year- be proud of your accomplishments. 

Continue to be a good human and spread love not hate is my advice. We only have today, tomorrow is not guaranteed. 

BTW, I had a hair appointment today, I’m not always this fresh looking after 3 hours of sleep!

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