01 Oct

I had an appt today for my hip. Since getting sick a few years ago, my hip has never been the same. I don’t know if it was the time in the wheelchair, or me not finishing all my physical therapy way back when, teaching me to walk again. I feel like I am walking a certain way that is deteriorating my hip joint or ligament. I have pain when sitting down for too long, but also from standing for too long. I have had this pain since I got out of the hospital over 3 years ago. Recently, the pain has gotten worse and I actually have had my leg give out on me. 


I love early morning appointments when I can get them. The doctors aren’t running behind yet leaving me the whole day when I’m done, plus my youngest had a dentist appointment at 11:30am. I was waiting at a set of lights in the morning sun, like 7:50am. I was squinting through the blinding rays waiting for the light to turn green and I developed like an immediate headache. It happened that fast. 


Not the headache, the flash back. I felt nauseous and sweaty all of a sudden. My stomach turned and I felt like I was hungover. What an awful feeling, I haven’t been hungover in almost 4 years. But I get these occurrences when triggered. I felt the way I felt those last few weeks driving to work. On that same road, around the same time, heading into work. Late in September 2016, I was suffering from early stages of cirrhosis and multiorgan failure; my body was shutting down and I just kept pushing it. 


I remember those last days before I became paralyzed~ being sweaty and feeling like literal trash. I wanted to give up. I wished someone would take me out of my misery. Maybe a car would run a red light and kill me, maybe I’d fall asleep on the highway and crash my car. My body wasn’t healthy and obviously neither was my brain. 


4 years later... I’m still remembering the pain, I physically feel it and I know it’s some form of PTSD and it sucks. I pushed it away. I remembered what a sober badass I am. I remembered my organs are 💯 and for all my little aggravations... I have a million more moments of happiness, joy and gratitude. 


After I shared a little of my morning on social media, we went out for lunch and to run errands. My son needed his snaggletooth pulled out for his lower braces today. OK, it's not a snaggletooth, but it did remind me of those old dogs who have one tooth always hanging out of their lip.  After that we stopped for lunch at a BBQ place, I have never been to. The food was delicious and definitely not low carb. We decided to hit up the Game Stop down the road instead of heading home.

My husband, my youngest son and I pulled up to a red light; there was a car facing the other direction, not moving. At first I wondered maybe car trouble, but her hazards weren’t on. We couldn’t see much in her car, it looked like she was on the phone at first and then we saw her nod out. It seemed like the longest red light ever. I start looking through my bag for my Narcan. I changed my pocketbook this morning to match my outfit😔 I didn’t have any Narcan. 


We just sat there, no one was pulling over and I was about to get out of the car and head over when I heard sirens coming. The police officer pulled up behind her and started calling out. My husband informed the cop, “she’s not doing good in there.” We have no way of knowing what was actually happening, but she was not responding. He opened her door and her car started rolling. She looked confused. He told her to put the car in park. Her car rolled again. The light turned green just as another police Officer was pulling up. We turned for the store. There was nothing we could do. 


When we came back from the store, maybe 15 minutes later, there were multiple cop cars and an ambulance. I could see her still in the drivers seat. My heart went out to her. She was around my age, maybe younger, she had a nice car. Not that money matters, my point is... overdose/drugs/drinking/mental illness does not discriminate on age, race, social standing, class or gender. 


Maybe she just had a bad day or different medical emergency. But I’ve seen a nod out and she was in and out. I pray she gets whatever help she needs. I pray another life is saved from Narcan today. I pray for the police and EMT’s saving lives today. I pray for overdose awareness and training. I pray for anyone lost; please reach out if you need helpI don’t know when my flashbacks will stop, but I do know they are less frequent in occurrences and duration. I love life. I love me. I love sobriety and I’m grateful for everything still to this day. Recovery is possible and I’m reminded daily when I see all the amazing people fighting their battles and demons. Keep fighting the good fight. 

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